There comes a time in a person’s life when they have to take stock of all that they hold dear and come to terms with reality. The evidence was all about us – historical, empirical and anecdotal. Not one of us could deny or even question that the black condition is a disaster zone. We had to come to terms that there really is no saving black people; so rather save rhinos. In this fashion we championed the cause and found the movement #teamRhino. Its primary objective was to redirect all the resources spent on fighting for the liberation of the black nation towards saving rhinos from extinction.

I appointed myself Deputy Chairman of this movement, a position I held until I promoted myself to Acting Chairman, thereafter I was catapulted to the position of Supreme Leader through divine intervention. This was the last leadership position I held before I found my true path. And it is here that I learnt that no matter how good one may be, nothing will ever work out if all energies are not directed towards one’s destined path. #teamRhino collapsed despite my able leadership.

In this chapter we zoom in on the tumultuous battle for the throne of #teamRhino. We first present a newspaper article reporting on this battle, followed by an official statement responding to the said article and providing clarity on certain issues.

The following article was published in a Sunday newspaper and referenced in many other media. The said paper retracted some of the false claims made herein. It is republished here in its entirety with the permission of the newspaper:

 

POWER STRUGGLES ROCK #teamRhino

The resurgence of Maokamela RhinoKing Chimurenga, Chairman of #teamRhino, could spell trouble for the fledging movement. Chairman Mao, as he is affectionately known, has been inactive for the past few months, and in his absence Yosef Maonyana, the self-appointed Deputy Chairperson, has since taken up the hot seat as Acting Chairperson. And the rumour mill suggests that he is not willing to vacate the position.

It is understood that he did so without consulting other members of the movement. They have however remained mum so as to not rock the boat in the middle of a peak in Rhino poaching.

Some analysts however are not sold on this explanation. “They allowed him to appoint himself deputy,” Prof Sydney Habedi, Research Director at the Institute for Endangered Species, asserts. “Now they can’t control his thirst for power.”

Speaking on condition of anonymity, one source close to the Team had this to say. “Maonyana has been frequenting Johannesburg to lobby Coach TT in his bid for control of the movement.” Our investigation confirmed these meetings to be true. The most recent on June 16 when the Coach was in Bloemfontein where he had private meetings with the RhinoPrince, as Maonyana affectionately calls himself.

Another controversial decision Maonyana took was the appointment of Rev. Frans as the “Spiritual Guide” of #teamRhino. It is believed that this is also a ploy to garner support for his bid to oust Chairman Mao. The Chief Whip, Mhlekazi Sgqibo, declined to comment on the developments. Which could only spell trouble as he is usually quick to dismiss any untruths.

A source close to Chairman Mao reveals that the RhinoKing is not sleeping on this and he’s readying for war. “Chimurenga is not taking this lying down baba! I can confirm that he we will be spending the weekend with Papa and Rock giving them marching orders for the whipping he’s about to unleash on that boy!”

Papa Heller and Rock Santana are long-time supporters of #teamRhino. It is believed that Chairman Mao will appoint them as fully fledged poacher hunters before next month’s congress. This will surely sway things in his favour.

On the other hand Maonyana is said to be lobbying the Pink Panthers of Arabia. Apparently he has a proposed a truce between the two warring movements, blaming the animosity on the aggressive leadership of Chairman Mao.

This proposition also includes a merger between the two movements. A move Dr Habedi is enthusiastic about, “the Pink Panthers failed,” he said. “It would be good to see them put their energies into saving Rhinos as nothing can be done any more about the pink panther, not a single one of them exists. What are they still holding on to?”

Leader of the Pink Panthers, Sheik Dr Imam Lavittude, laughed off the claims when approached for comment. Refugee VertigoFox, the main protagonist in the war against the Pink Panthers and believed to be in Maonyana’s pockets, has reportedly referred to the war as “regrettable”.

Zoologist at the Mangaung Centre for Reproduction Biology, Thabo Lenin, said he wished to see the differences sorted before they tore up the movement, “the Rhino has no chance for survival without #teamRhino; only they can keep Rhinos horny.”

It is estimated that #teamRhino has halved Rhino killings through interventions that took financial, social and political focus away from high child mortality rates amongst blacks with the much loved slogan “Fuck Blacks; Save Rhinos!”

The following statement was issued in response of the above article. It was published in the newspaper that published the said article together with a retraction. It is presented here, redacted for the sake of clarity:

 

RIGHT OF REPLY: NO POWER STRUGGLES IN #teamRhino

Given the incessant and rapacious propaganda campaign that has been meted out on ‪#‎teamRhino in recent times from all the dark forces of backwardness who would love nothing but to see our beloved horny ones go the way of the pink panther; it is meet that we say a few things.

Firstly, I would like to address matters that affect myself personally.

The media has been abuzz with accusations of power-mongering led by myself to remove Chairman Mao from his position. This malice, having no sense of bounds whatsoever, has implicated other distinguished members in this so called “power struggle.” Certain sections of the poachers have even referred to myself as a ‘dictator’ and power hungry.

I wish to put the matter to rest thus: there has never been any power struggle in #teamRhino. This I categorically state here. The RhinoKing remains the Chairman of our beloved movement and it was my honour and duty to cover for him as his former deputy in his absence. What the materialistic media missed (and unfortunately at some point the Chief Whip was also misled) is that due to spiritual illumination, there has been some changes in the structure of the movement. These are the changes; everything else remains the same:

  1. I have been anointed, by all that is Holy and Devine, as Supreme Leader of #teamRhino. That shall be my eternal title. As thus I shall no longer be referred to by any other; with particular focus on ‘Maonyana’ and ‘RhinoPrince’;
  2. Coach TT has taken up the position of General; and finally
  3. Reverend Frans is the anointed Spiritual Guide

The second matter that affects me personally is the twin accusations that I am a Satanist and a philistine. The former I take with a pinch of salt, but the latter I find highly offensive. I wish to categorically reject and condemn these accusations! That being said, as an illustration of my generosity, I will confer upon my accusers unreserved forgiveness. Especially given that I understand why they would say such evil things of my person. The first accusation stems from a relentless commitment to unthinking. And the second comes from one who thinks blacks are more important than Rhinos – you can expect anything from these kinds.

Now to other matters of less import:

It should also be stated that there is, was and will never be any talk of a merger or any sort of relationship with the long-defunct Pink Panthers of Arabia.

The investigation and spiritual intervention of the Chief Whip and Spiritual Guide respectively into the cabal that had set upon itself to portray the movement in bad light by accusing the Supreme Leader of Satanism, revealed and confirmed a long-held belief of the movement that there is no saving blacks; as thus all energies must be invested in keeping Rhinos horny.

Yours in the Struggle Against Poaching,

Supreme Leader (anointed by all that is Holy & Devine)

#teamRhino

 

Conclusion

We are of the view that these two samples from the #teamRhino archive succinctly surmises my leadership in that movement.

My stint at #teamRhino made two things very clear;

  1. I am a very good deputy; and
  2. I am destined – despite my modest protestations – to be a supreme leader.

The inherent contradiction therein made me a wrong fit for #teamRhino where it played out most explicitly, but was the precise ingredient necessary for the leadership of the deputising ministry.

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