“And the scripture says: “Do not covet your neighbour’s wife.” Amen Bazalwane. All you deputies will not see nor enter the kingdom of Thixo! Hallelujah.” ~ Anonymous

As mentioned in the preceding chapter, certain sections of NAHAB and the men’s democratic movement in general have held an antagonistic position towards our ministry, as evidenced by the quote above. The main gripe, although not the only one, concerned the fear of cuckolding. The unimaginative still hold on steadfastly to this view. We understood, as illustrated in the prologue and the first chapter, the reason for and legitimacy of this phobia.

Ukutyelwa is after-all the most painful of human experiences, for men and women alike, for the progressives and reactionaries alike. Wajelwa-phobia has led to many denouncing even love and adopting a frighteningly sinister disposition on life in general. Many a psychopath has been borne of ukutyelwa. In our ranks, we find these psychopaths amongst the BLF, AWB, NUBSA and even HADB members (although we must hasten to add that we have been very successful in ridding the Alliance of these types).

As such we did not take lightly these accusations towards the movement. We thus embarked on an education campaign firstly within the tripartite alliance and later the broader movement to some level of success. We clarified to all and sundry that our ministry did not promote manyonyobarism nor was our mission ho jella. That where it occurred that a deputy engaged in carnal activities it is never to undermine or replace the principal; but it was always with the aim to complement, enhance and safeguard the said principal’s relationship with his bae.

A romantic relationship is an institution that stands on many pillars – some, like sex, objectively insignificant but subjectively should they fail the whole thing comes crumbling down. Deputies come in to strengthen the pillars which are weak, be they an attentive ear during the fits of insomnia or humour during the prosaic moments of life. As Frank Underwood asserts, “one person cannot give everything to another person.” It would amount to abuse to expect the members of NAHAB to find their bae’s every single story funny, to give them attention at every moment of the day (we address this in chapter 7) or keep up with all their sexual appetite. Hence the need for deputies.

To digress, we must note the hypocrisy of some men in finding no fault with someone entertaining their bae’s insomnia while they snore the night away, or one who considers the fact that forks keep going MIA worthy of a lengthy debate, but are quick to draw the line when it comes to sex.

That being said, our message was gradually being well received by the broad masses of our people. However, these strides were brought to a screeching halt when one of our own, then Archbishop of the Transvaal, came out all guns blazing against the ministry. He issued this communique to the members of the Alliance:

“The soul of the beautiful ministry needs to be saved. Truth be told! A lot of these comrades who illegally eat our babies, they refer to themselves as deputies, are in actual fact imposing communism on us. Haiii, they force us to share these people. If this was the 60’s I would suggest they be moered with charges of communism and terrorism. We want to eat alone and peacefully. PLEASE!!!” ~ The Dol, Archbishop of the Transvaal.

This venom was surreptitiously leaked to the media, causing untold harm to the labours of the ministry. As such the Alliance was forced to break tradition and publicly come out strongly against these claims to set the record straight. To this end this statement was issued:

 

STATEMENT ON THE DOL’S DEFACTION & SMEAR CAMPAIGN

South African history is replete with examples of defectors and sell-outs in the revolution. One lesson that has been absolutely emphatic in this history is that these cockroaches amount to nothing!

We can note the ultra-black fascists led by one Mangaliso from the mass democratic movement; that faction is a footnote of history as we speak! Let’s not forget that so-called General who also left the mass democratic movement due to some phantom corruption. We must also remember the so-called daughter of the soil who suddenly figured she needed her own ID only to be swallowed whole by Penny Sparrow’s blue whale! My god, how dare we not mention Shikota? We have also seen the non-rise and fall of a gang of pap. The less said about the sad case of the savers of souls the better!

Another truth found in this history is that these turncoats have a knack for distorting the revolution and its goals once they are outside its loving arms. These people are inventionists of some repute and are known to not even be above manufacturing “evidence”.

It is this knowledge that grounds the Holy Alliance of Deputy Boyfriends in the face of the treacherous allegations of one Archbishop The Dol – former leader of our revolution. We are not shaken by neither his “resignation” nor his lies about the alliance. Such things are to be expected; “ha se bohle ba reng ‘Morena, Morena’ ba tla kenang lehodimong.”

We can confirm that his sudden unprocedural resignation has been graciously accepted by the pontiff His Hornyness Yosef abuYeshua II, who is quoted as saying “The Dol served many boyfriends well, his leadership qualities will be missed especially in the arena of mending break-ups. He was always able to convince girlfriends that there’s no better alternative and best they stick with what they have.”

What the Alliance takes exception to, however, is the malicious lies that he has been peddling about the ministry of deputising. He has claimed that deputising is, to quote him verbatim, a “business of eating other people’s babies”. We must categorically condemn this and any other such notions in the strongest possible terms!

Deputy boyfriends are not about eating other children’s babies. This hallowed institution is not to be confused with the decadence of manyonyobarism. This is a blatant mischaracterization of our ministry and it is both mischievous and fraudulent!

Deputy boyfriends are in the business, as the term suggests, of assisting and complementing the efforts of boyfriends. Our primary beneficiaries are these poor kids that The Dol today claims we are exploiting. The institution was founded, as we all know, by Yosef benHeli the carpenter of Nazareth – who after realizing that Comrade Leader had the universe to run and could not properly attend to his bae Maria, stepped in to offer assistance. And even went as far as to accept a handball and thus became Yosef abuYeshua – which means Yosef father of Yeshua.

All accounts are adamant that Yosef never ate the Leader’s baby. This is sufficient proof that the institution is not founded on eating other children’s babies; but that at its core is the unwavering commitment to assist, maintain and mend the relations between boyfriends and their bae’s. It is a well-known fact that Maria and Comrade Leader have never had quarrel; for this we credit the impeccable work of the original deputy boyfriend.

From that time on we have been walking in the footsteps of Yosef abuYeshua, attempting and succeeding in replicating his work.

The episcopal conference of 69AD resoluted that unless otherwise friend-zoned, a deputy may also assist in sexual matters. This has been the view of the Alliance ever since and the decision has been proven visionary through experience as study after study show that women who engage in safe (safe as in no risk of discovery) extra-curricular sexual activities make better bae’s.

It is thus clear to see that deputy boyfriends don’t “eat other people’s babies” as The Dol suggests, but merely assist, in line with our mandate to keep harmonious relations between the sexes, in any which way – including but not limited to eating.

We hereby call on The Dol to cease and desist peddling lies!

 

Issued at the behest of the Pontiff by:

The Right Reverend Dali Mpofu wa Boraro

Prefect of the Discipline Dicastery

Holy Alliance of Deputy Boyfriends

 

Although this clarification held sway with the rest of the membership, the men’s democratic movement and the general public, The Dol was unfortunately not sold:

“There is corruption in the ministry of deputies. I’ve seen cases of deputies being promoted to the position of president. And that is against the constitution of our beautiful and beloved ministry. I remain a member of the ministry, I do not however recognise the current leadership and its kangaroo court of eatists that cannot engage issues but rather resorts to slander and insults when proof is presented before their eyes. See you in court eatists!”

We were greatly pained by this announcement; however, we are glad to report nothing came of it. It is categorically not with any sense a schadenfreude that we confirm the prophetic nature of the opening words of our statement; The Dol did as a matter of fact amount to nothing. Today he clumsily hobbles from Ben10ism to blessing, he has even been heard flirting with NORM. He seems to have resigned from, but is yet to apologise for, his hostile view of the ministry of deputising. In our spiritual generosity, the Papacy has pardoned and conferred upon him the title of Beloved Friend.

These trials and tribulations with the men’s democratic movement and with one of our own afforded us an opportunity to clarify some misconceptions about the nature of the ministry, the key points are worth reiteration:

  1. The Alliance does not align with manyonyobarism
  2. Coitus is not an essential aspect of our work but merely a tool among many
  3. The coitus in (2) does not amount to ukutyelwa – never in the history of deputising has a women lacked desire for her bae owing to her energy being sapped by a deputy
  4. It is in the best interest of men, their baes, and relationships that deputies partake in carnal activities.

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