Of course it goes without saying that any ministry is open to abuse and misrepresentation, more especially as it gains popularity with the broad masses of our people. Through the tireless efforts of the Papacy and the welcomed assistance of the tripartite alliance, the ministry was gaining traction with the different communities. It thus came to pass that any and each person, in particular men, claimed to have ‘deputies’. For them however, this was just a cover for their promiscuity. These people they called deputies, were in fact their concubines. We also saw a growing number of women engaged in cuckolding claiming that these manyonyobas of theirs were deputies.

This could not be! As such, in defence of the ministry, we again came to offer a clarification on who can be deputised. In this fashion, the Papacy issued the statement below:

 

EXHORTATION ON LEADERSHIP AND DEPUTISING

His Excellency Rev. Dr Jacob Zuma, is the Leader of the African National Congress and of South Africa (in his stated order of importance). As a Leader, he has a Deputy – Cyril Ramaphosa (in both positions). So does Gwede Mantashe, so does CiC Sello Malema, so does Athol Trollip of the Democratic Alliance. These are Leaders; they have Deputies.

The voters of the African National Congress, Economic Freedom Fighters and Democratic Alliance (collectively ‘the constituency’), and the citizens of RSA, have no Deputies. They are led. They are not Leaders; they do not have Deputies.

The Leader is responsible for the contentment of the constituency, and the maintenance and sustainability of the party or country. This responsibility necessitates a certain level of delegation of duties – hence the need for a Deputy. The Deputy becomes responsible for some duties that are incumbent on the Leader, albeit never holding any power in her/his/non-binary’s own right. S/he/(x) serves at the pleasure of the Leader.

Now, in a two-party amorous relationship between (for example) a cis het male and a cis het female, one will – more often than not – emerge as a Leader. It will fall upon this Leader responsibilities and duties that may require, as pointed above, assistance. Hence the need for a Deputy Girlfriend or Deputy Boyfriend.

The formulation is simple. Continuing with the example above (which is representative of the broad majority of amorous relationships); (a) if the female party is the Leader, there should be a Deputy Girlfriend, and (b) if the male party is the Leader, there should be a Deputy Boyfriend.

As with most things in life, one can serve many masters (one can support – even vote for – the African National Congress, Economic Freedom Fighters and Democratic Alliance at the same time), but one can never lead more than one constituency. Leadership demands absolute loyalty. Leadership is held to higher standards than the constituency. Leadership must always stay true to the cause.

 

ISSUED ON BEHALF OF THE HOLY ALLIANCE OF DEPUTY BOYFRIENDS BY:

His Hornyness Yosef abuYeshua II

Pontiff of the Holy Alliance of Deputy Boyfriends

 

In this statement we made clear that only a leader can be deputised. This also assists in demarcating our constituency. Although the handicap we spoke of in the prologue affects all men, the Alliance in its day to day work has picked out particular kind of man to assist; that is, a man that is a leader in the relationship. And it is in our considered view that only this type of man (and we hazard to opine that also this type of woman) is worthy of deputising.

Why do we hold that view? We believe there are three types of people: those who are above being deputised, those worthy of being deputised and those unworthy of being deputised.

At the apex you have the blessed who are in egalitarian relationships, where both (or more) parties hold equal sway over each other and can meet each other’s needs effortlessly, the freaks who can give everything to each other. Together with the egalitarians at the apex are the Supreme Leaders – those who hold total sway over the relationship, who can give everything to another without needing anything in return or can take anything they want, these are the settlers[2]. These people are not in need of any kind of assistance and thus above being deputised. The numbers here as one can imagine are very slim.

In the middle you have those that hold the swing vote in the relationship, their power is a negotiated settlement that is always under threat of ebbing away and thus needs constant reinforcement. These are under pressure to perform and deliver, and although have all intentions to do so and work hard at it, there is simply not enough capacity to do so on their own. These are then in need and worthy of being deputised. The broad masses of our people lie here. Of those worthy of being deputised, the Alliance only caters to men in heterosexual monogamous relationships, arguably one of the two largest groups[3] in that segment.

At the bottom are the romantically colonised, the friend-zoned, bitterists of all hues, the broke, the macho[4] and musho[5] men, the side dishes, and of course the subjects of the Supreme Leaders – the reachers[2]. These constitute the lumpenry, unworthy of being deputised. This is also a sizeable portion of the populace.

It is thus clear to see that not everybody can claim to have or be a deputy, and not all extra-curricular romantic and/or sexual relationships can be classified as deputising. The Alliance is specific in its mission and in who it ministers to. The deputised men are leaders in their own right, they are those who have the possibility to make a woman happy, the Alliance steps in to ensure that they realise that possibility.

***~~~***

[2] “In every relationship there’s always The Reacher and The Settler. The Reacher is someone who dates someone out of their league while The Settler settles for someone less than them.” ~ Robin Scherbatsky, How I Met Your Mother

[3] The other, arguably, being women in heterosexual monogamous relationships

[4] “The macho is a strutting factotum with bulging biceps, stone-dry eyes, brains that are ruled by his gonads, and an ego indoctrinated to believe that he is the lord and master of the woman.” ~ Dr Chinweizu, Anatomy of Female Power

[5] “The musho is one of that breed of diffident men who have been bullied, guilt-tripped, ego-bashed and penis-twisted into pram pushing, diaper changing and breast envy. He is the befuddled, henpecked male who lacks the wit to recognize his male interest.” ~ Dr Chinweizu, Anatomy of Female Power