“When a girl decides you’re her friend, you’re no longer a dating option. You’ve become a complete non-sexual entity in her eyes, like her brother, or a lamp.” ~ Chris Brander, Just Friends
It became apparent to the broader men’s democratic movement and particularly the collective leadership of the tripartite alliance that many of our members were caught up in abusive friend-zone relationships, wherein they were no more than ‘lamps.’ These complaints came in so thick and fast that the leadership could not ignore them. It seemed like a crises was brewing. In the movement’s spirit of fighting for men, the tripartite alliance tasked the Papacy to investigate and provide direction on the issue. A task we were honoured to fulfil.
Even though the broad masses of our people called for the movement to call for the abolishment of friend-zoning, it was incumbent on the leadership to not take a populist route. Our investigation revealed that although there are abuses within friend-zoning, it was a legitimate relationship model. As thus a compromise was reached in that there ought to be a regulatory body that would ensure that those trapped in the different zones can be emancipated and their rights therein protected.
We also noted that zoning did not only negatively affect the members of the men’s democratic movement but a phenomena affecting the broad masses of our people. In this light we thought it wise to call for all movements form a federation under whose banner friend-zoning would be regulated so that the rights of both the zoner and zonee are protected.
Our modest call is reproduced below in its entirety:
THE EMANCIPATORY FRIENDZONE FEDERATION (EFF)
A Clarion Call
Friend-zoning is a legitimate defence against unwelcome romantic overtures from otherwise not unpalatable individuals. These are individuals whom one finds agreeable, whom one enjoys their company and values their existence in one’s life – however, for one or more reasons, a romantic relationship is not on the cards.
It has however come to the attention of the collective Leadership of the Tripartite Alliance – constituted of HADB, NAHAB and NUBSA – that this legitimate tool has been used towards nefarious ends.
Two such ends have particularly caught the attention of the collective Leadership, namely the ‘booty-trap’ and ‘blesser-trap’.
The booty-trap is in which Person A, aware of Person B’s unrequited romantic interests, uses the latter for her/his/(x) sexual needs, knowing very well that Person B is of the hope that this sexual relationship will mutate in to a romantic relationship. The blesser-trap is in which Person A, aware of Person B’s unrequited romantic interests, uses the latter for her/his/(x) material needs, knowing very well that Person B is of the hope that this blessing will mutate in to a romantic relationship.
In the considered view of the collective Leadership, the above two and others like them are not legitimate acts of friend-zoning, and as such should be condemned in the strongest possible terms.
In order to protect our Members and the community at large from these and other abuses, the collective Leadership proposes the establishment of the Emancipatory Friend-zone Federation (EFF), which will review and approve all friend-zoning requests. Before any one person can friend-zone any person, they must first apply with the EFF for approval.
How Will The EFF Work?
The EFF will set up minimum requirements for a legitimate friend-zone. However each case will be assessed on its own merits. These minimum criteria will take into account the three levels of the friend-zone:
- At the basic level; the Friend-zone, wherein the agreeable individuals who fancy themselves paramours are zoned-in at the position of a Friend
- At the intermediary level; the Family-zone, wherein the agreeable individuals who fancy themselves paramours are zoned-in at the position of a Sibling
- At the tertiary level; the Cadre-zone, wherein the agreeable individuals who fancy themselves paramours are zoned-in at the position of a Comrade
Taking the above into account, it is clear that as one goes up the hierarchy, the criteria will be more stringent. The proposed minimum requirements are as follows:
- The agreeable individual (the Zonee) should have shown unequivocal desire for a romantic relationship
- The desired individual (the Zoner) should prove the undesirability and/or impracticality of the romantic relationship
- The Zoner should prove the desirability (for both parties) of the continuance a non-romantic relationship with the Zonee
- In the case of a Family-zone:
- The Zoner should prove that the basic Friend-zone has not or cannot achieve the desired results
- The Zoner must show that under no circumstances will she/he/(x) have any sexual relations with the Zonee (this is tantamount to incest)
- The Zoner must show that the Zonee’s relationships with other members of the Zoner’s family (including other Family-zoned members) are platonic and have no chance of moving beyond that status
- In the case of a Cadre-zone:
- The Zoner should prove that the basic Friend-zone and Family-zone have not or cannot achieve the desired results
- The Zoner and Zonee must be key members of an organisation, cause or movement that has a real chance at effecting real substantial change
- The Zoner must show that a romantic relationship has the possibility of threatening the abovementioned organisation, cause or movement
The minimum requirements enumerated above are designed for the preservation and sustainability of friend-zoning as an important institution in our daily lives. It is meet that serious consideration be taken before anyone is friend-zoned, as the ramifications of this act are far-reaching – it thus cannot be left to individuals to police themselves, hence the need for the Emancipatory Friend-zone Federation.
It is paramount that we protect this great institution of friend-zoning from bastardisation and abuses, and in beat with this the collective Leadership hereby invites comments and support from all our Members and the community at large for the establishment of the Emancipatory Friend-zone Federation.
ISSUED ON BEHALF OF THE COLLECTIVE LEADERSHIP OF HADB, NAHAB and NUBSA BY:
His Hornyness Yosef abuYeshua II
Pope of the Holy Alliance of Deputy Boyfriends
Ex-officio Board Member of the National Association of Husbands And Boyfriends
Patron Saint of the National Union of Ben10s of South Africa
This clarion call received a resounding response from many within and outside the men’s democratic movement. Tomes upon tomes of submissions were made, and the discussions are still raving on. With this energy the EFF is poised to be the revolutionary vanguard in the emancipation of the zoned. We look forward to the formal establishment of the federation.