As mentioned in chapter four, time is one of the commodities that most of the deputised do not have in abundance. And sometimes their bae’s are at the short end of the scarcity stick, especially when the bae has a less taxing schedule or both parties’ schedules conflict too often. Deputy boyfriends are then required to step in and close this gap.

However, this has proven insufficient; even with a capable deputy boyfriend working tirelessly, the absence of the boyfriend is still very much felt. This has evoked memories of our fathers’ perennial absenteeism, and opened old intergenerational wounds. Many saw in this future absent fathers and husbands. These fears were further exacerbated by the bitterists in the women’s democratic movement who sought to portray this inescapable absenteeism as an indication of disinterest in the relationship.

It was the duty of our ministry to step in to cast away misinformation so that we safeguard the relationships under threat. To this end the papal office issued the statement below:

 

STATEMENT ISSUED MUTO PROPRIO DISMISSING THE ‘BUSYNESS EQUALS DISINTEREST’ IDEOLOGY

There’s a matter of national importance that threatens the harmonious relations between the sexes which neither NAHAB, NUBSA, MAN nor any of the organisations that purport to represent men have attended to. As with everything that men overlook, it falls on to the Deputy Boyfriends to keep the peace. As such, the Holy Alliance of Deputy Boyfriends wishes to provide clarity in a bid to avoid the looming sex war.

Certain circles in the women’s democratic movement have been spreading propaganda that no one is ever too busy, that being busy just means that this particular person has no interest in you. According to this ideology, when a man says to his bae that he is busy and cannot at that particular point in time give her attention, this is to be read as to mean that she’s not a ‘priority’ and that he has no interest in her and as thus she must remove herself from the equation.

The peddlers of these lies even have seductively creative aphorisms such as “people make time for those who matter”, “people text and reply to those they prioritise” and to top it all off, “never believe anyone who says they’re too busy. If they wanted to be around you, they would.” One can immediately spot the fascist undertones in their language. We will resist the temptation to name and shame these devious individuals – as ours is to cast away illusions; we are not here to condemn.

This kind of thinking is essentially anti-revolutionary. We are currently in the middle of the bae (before anyone else) revolution which has proven itself a progressive ideology that liberates us from the archaic and ineffective one-and-only ideology which has caused untold trauma and ampoer irreparable damages to the relations between the sexes. The bae revolution is at an advanced stage, and now the backward revisionist elements are trying to hijack it and drag us back to the days of darkness.

These forces of darkness have perverted the bae revolution to mean ‘before anything else’. Any straight thinking individual can see that this formulation, although might be deemed romantic by the overly sentimental, is devoid of any appreciation of reality. It simply cannot be!

Allow us to expand on why this formulation is disingenuous:

The Holy Alliance of Deputy Boyfriends is clear on the issue of broke niggas. The Arch-Bishop of the Oranje Vrystaat delivered the sermon “Broke Niggas Should Not Be Allowed To Have Sex”[6] which was accepted as the Alliance’s stand on the matter. It is, we might hasten to add, a dismissible offense to deputise a broke nigga. We thus do not speak for broke niggas. The Alliance is also a mass-based organisation, as are most organisations in the men’s democratic movement, and its class character is necessarily proletariat in nature. We therefore do not speak for the super-rich.

Our members are workers, hustlers and dreamers. Our members are ambitious; they have talents to hone, and passions to feed. All the things we were led to believe, through centuries of trial and error and proclamations of women, are attractive characteristics in a man. It is thus utterly unfair to expect such an individual to not be busy. The Christian ideology, which women subscribe to in their majority, holds that “idle hands are the devil’s playground.”

Taking all the above into account, it is clear to see that ‘being busy’ is an integral part of being an eligible suitor. We are the first to admit that one should make time for his bae, and that one’s free time must in the main be dedicated to her. We however reject categorically the mischievous notion that one can never be too busy for bae. This notion does not take into account the reality of the time-colonising nature of plantation slavery nor that of ‘perfect[ing] the pastimes that we have harboured based solely on the fact that it makes us smile if it sounds dope.’[7]

If a man who’s never busy is the new in-thing, there are plenty of broke niggas and a handful of the idle super-rich around who have all the time on their hands to be attentive to their baes at any moment.

The Holy Alliance of Deputy Boyfriends thus makes this impassioned plea to all and sundry to reject this nonsensical notion for the sake of happiness, peace and prosperity.

 

Our Baes Or Death. Let Love Flourish!

His Hornyness Yosef abuYeshua II

Pontiff of the Holy Alliance of Deputy Boyfriends

 

This statement was greatly welcomed by NAHAB, and some progressive forces in the men’s democratic movement. However certain sections of the movement, including the backward elements of NUBSA and BLF (many of whom fall within the abovementioned idle ‘broke niggas’ and ‘super-rich’ respectively), who had been taking advantage of the absenteeism were not too happy with the efforts of the Alliance. But theirs was nothing more than grumbles in the dark. The direction provided by the Alliance prevailed and once again cemented the Alliance’s intellectual supremacy and ideological leadership in the men’s democratic movement.

***~~~***

[6] Litheko, O. (2014, July 21). Broke Niggas Should Not Be Allowed To Have Sex. Retrieved from https://litheko.wordpress.com/2014/07/21/broke-niggas-should-not-be-allowed-to-have-sex/

[7] Aesop Rock (2001). 9-5ers Anthem. On Labor Days. Definitive Jux. (2001, September 18)