Despite the tireless work of the ministry of deputy boyfriends to keep relations between lovers intact and thriving, it does often happen that these relationships cannot stand the test of time. The break-up is the most painful experience for a deputy boyfriend as it means one has failed at least on two accounts; either one deputised a man not worthy of being deputised, or one was proved incompetent.

On the other hand, although this is rare, the deputy boyfriend is responsible for the break-up. This happens mostly when the clandestine deputising is exposed, or the girlfriend starts harbouring ambitions of catapulting the deputy into the Number 1 position.

The above are just the most common of the million reasons as to why a relationship assured by the Holy Alliance of Deputy Boyfriends may fail. Each failure triggers an introspection for the concerned deputy boyfriend and the ministry at large. In some cases an investigation into the conduct of the concerned parties will be initiated.

Be that as it may, the preventative, detective and corrective measures in place notwithstanding, relationships do fail. And when they do we find that our constituency, the deputised of the world, find themselves in a nervous condition – the post-breakup relationship.

There is no possibility for a relationship between ex-lovers post the love affair. The popular retort “we can be friends” is primarily a false invitation. The events leading up to the break-up are essentially traumatic. On the off-chance that this is not the case; the break-up itself is a traumatic experience. Once this is done. Once one or both parties have been hurt. Things can never be the same. Never. One if not both parties will be paralysed. The fear of hurting one’s lover again is paralysing. The fear of being hurt by your lover is as much paralysing.

Which renders the post break-up relationship a nervous condition. Don’t say too much. Don’t open up too much. Don’t get too close. Don’t linger too long on the hug. Don’t flirt too much. Whatever you do; don’t take it too far. In short: O s’ka phapha!

The ministry was thus tasked to provide leadership for our constituency to deal with this nervous condition. As is well-known; the ministry does not align itself with wack niggers of any hue. As thus we concentrated on rescuing only those who had been wronged from this quagmire of being an ex. To this end, we issued this short communique:

 

BRIEF ENCYCLYCAL ON EXES

All of those people who you call ‘exes’, your former lovers/friends/family/colleagues/comrades, who have fallen out with you, shall now be referred to as ‘Break away factions’.

This is only applicable if you have stayed true to the line (amorous/filial/political) that brought you together in the first instance.

By Order of the Papacy

P.S. If you harbour any animosity towards the above-mentioned individuals, it is permissible to refer to them as ‘sell-outs’.

This clarity was well received by the broad masses of our people. Many agreed that indeed there is no point in giving people that betrayed you vague and even endearing titles such as ‘ex-lover’. It is meet that these individuals be exposed for who they are and what they did.

In the first instance are the people we refer to as ‘break away factions’ or BAF for short. These are the people who have not necessarily betrayed the relationship, but left the relationship due to some misunderstanding or disagreement. It is always that one thing that causes the break, hence the formula BAE minus “_” equals BAF. Because it is always that one foundational thing that causes the break up.

This one thing sometimes is repairable, other times not. The BAF as such occupies a place where a possibility, conditional and precarious as it is, exists that the relationship can be re-established. In this case the deputy boyfriend will work tirelessly to make all parties see eye to eye on that one foundational thing. This is made easier by the fact that in most cases BAFs hold no animosity towards each other.

On the other hand of the spectrum, you have the sell outs. Those that betrayed the spirit and treaties of the relationship. Sexual and other infidelities come into play here. These one we advise our constituency to forget that they ever existed.

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